Getting my cheer on
There's something about rounding a corner in how you feel that makes you believe whatever new and different feeling you're feeling will be permanent. For the past few weeks I've been not much more than a sea cucumber, moving very little and feeling very sorry for myself about it. No energy, no enthusiasm, no interest in anything, no thoughts--just lying thick and still under a heavy blue canopy. But then something changed. No, it wasn't that I stopped feeling seasick everytime I stood up. Partly it had to do with a realization about why I was so sad: there's nothing in my life I can quantify anymore, and what's a life without a bunch of little measuring tapes wrapped around everything you do?
For all the great things about our Salt Lake years and the things we did there, our workaholic schedules maybe had a bigger impact on me than I thought. Just like Jeanne's antique silk panties (but hopefully with some obvious differences), when I sat in the pot of profit-driven-business-coloured dye for 2+ years, I came out green, there's just no way around it. In fact, just as I was leaving, the company's zeal to quantify everything became so focussed they had each employee take a three hour personality test and share the results with everyone so we could all know how to quantify each other even: creatives, perfectionists, control freaks. (I turned out to be a "results oriented" personality deep down with a "counselor" mask. Remember that when I ask how you're doing next time I see you, it's all fake.)
Which is all to say that I'm a woman in big fat transition and it felt good at the beginning of this week to put on some makeup and get cute (oh the Johanna of three, even just two years ago would cringe to hear me admit that!) and feel a little enthusiasm for life again, remember what it was like to be a productive, active, thinking person.
Today was on the bleak side of things--long periods of just lying still--but at least I have a recent memory of what it was like to be a sunshine-loving land creature again.
2 comments:
Oh, Joh, you sound JUST LIKE ME after the "euphoria" hormones wore off and the maternity leave was over and I didn't go back and I sat in a chair nursing and crying because I hadn't gotten dressed in 3 days and I was certainly the lamest mom who ever lived and why, when all my life I have been a "Checklist Person," am I unable to even take a shower or cook dinner, HUH!?!?! How can I measure my worth anymore in the mish mash of homemaking and motherhood? I still struggle on some days and my only (RARE) gold stars come from the Holy Ghost and my husband. My world got SO rocked, sometimes I am embarassed to talk about it, but 4 years later, I'm getting used to it all (and it helps to have totally delightful daughters!) Let's stay in touch and plan a Poky Party in a few weeks---my daddy needs a visit, and sounds like so do you! :)
johanna--
how fun for me to see your name on my blog! i was thrilled to read about your experiences. congrats in a big fat way (no pun intended) are in order. i was one of those slightly wicked pregnant women, too. not always, but a general funk always sets in on my for about 8.5 months. when it's over, i just want to dance and shout and scream because i'm me again...well, after about 3 mos. of heinous post partum. wow! i'm really debbie downer, aren't i? you'll be a fabulous, fun, spunky mom. and i loved the bit about "getting cute." i love to think of you with make-up! i'm sure you're no tammy faye, but a little bit different than the previous joh, as noted by yourself. i'll be checking in on your blog....have fun with your lima.
Rachel Harmon Schutz
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