Becoming Mama Bear
Heidi's caution: "Suddenly you'll find that you've turned into Mama Bear. Around your own mama bear, even." I've felt the first growling beginning: the photograph the ultrasound tech sent home with us labeled "baby girl." It's not the looking I object to--after five months of being sure I wanted to "be surprised" and only three days of wanting to be surprised sooner, we decided to peek during our midway routine ultrasound. But it is one thing for a clinician, who is checking out everything from nose and lips to liver function to heart chamber count to number of fingers, to peek and for us, Scout's parents, to have a preview of that little bum Andy will be tenderly swabbing for the next few years. It's another matter entirely to print it out for the entire world to stare at, shouting stupidly "baby girl." Yes, well I am Mama Bear, hear me roar! We will leave this girl child some dignity and not just hang a picture of her crotch for all to gaze at. Hmmph. Now her little feet, on the other hand, her shapely little leg, her sweet little profile, arm and fingers, on the other hand: I suspect she'll be unbelievably cute and lovely to us.
(FYI, the only ultrasound picture I didn't like looking at was the full-on face shot, which showed a hollow skeleton face grinning from my belly. Sorta creepy.)
This new kind of growl distinguishes past growls. They weren't always Mama Bear. They were mostly me being picky: she shall not live in a pink zone; she shall not be a dolly girl. See, that's not what Mama Bear sounds like at all. That's Just Plain Joh reliving her own girlhood and declaring this baby must conform. Mama Bear knows better.
The funny thing about becoming a mama bear is suddenly you realise you've lived in the center of a whole tribe of mama bears for as long as ever and never knew it.
6 comments:
Hooray! You're back! Congratulations on THE GIRL! And may I say that I said all the same things and Addie had mostly gender neutral clothes, until she adn I both got it through our heads that 1-she was a girl and 2-that's not a bad thing, in fact it's a wonderful thing you may was well give in to now. Before you know it she will be choosing a color like RL Tea Rose for her new bedroom walls and refusing to leave the house without a hairbow. I dreaded it, I avoided it all my life, and now I am shamelessly, yea even JOYFULLY, swimming in pink and loving every minute of it...finally. I am so excited for you!
Joh---
How fun! When did you find out? Congrats on the girl. Do you guys have any names? (BTW: I love that you referred to her as Scout.) Also, I really liked your last comment about living in a community of mama bears and never realizing it.
Oh, what a nice career you'll make of it. And I don't know anybody who doesn't like bears. I'm glad you didn't discover you had become, say, Mama Squid. Even if your little girlie (yahooie!!! whoop! whoop! whoop!) is a creepy little fish at the moment, she will in time lose the gills (wait, she already did that, didn't she?), grow some fuzz, and be most comfortable snuggling inside/against her warm and ferocious and protective and loving Mama Bear. Okay, I guess that makes it sound like I've got something against squids, but that isn't it at all; I just like you the way you are, growling and evolving, just like your naked wet little kid.
Instinct and connection--what gorgeous things.
James: Your comments are like a great big hug that I always need and I love you for that. Did Addie really pick out RL Tea Rose? Heidi went through a pastel phase. I never liked them, but thought she was cool because she did. She had a white and pink and pale blue and pale yellow sweater I never inherited because she wore it out before it could make it to me.
Liz: Thanks for the congrats. We found out about two weeks ago. It didn't feel at all like a surprise b/c I sort of knew all along she was a girl. At least, now that I am right, I can say that I knew all along :) Names we're thinking of so far: Scout and Claire. Claire was the first name we both liked (Becca suggested it, and we both have all lovely associations with the name), but Scout's my first pick now.
Fig: Since I met her, I've pictured Mama Bear very similarly to how I've always pictured Geo in Avenging Angel mode; meeting my loser/pathetic/sociopathic off-the-street dates, walking Young Women home in the dark, etc. Thanks for the whoop!s. Right now I'm trying to figure out why I haven't felt any squiddling movements from this naked wet little kid yet. That was supposed to happen two weeks ago, according to the books . . . I'm not stressed about it, just . . . well, curious . . .
Joh: You may or may not be interested to know that I did not realize I was feeling Addie move until I was having an ultrasound and could finally simultaneously SEE AND FEEL her moving. Before that I just thought I had gas bubbles or something churning. Now it's the opposite. When I have gas bubbles, for a split second I think, "Oh, the baby is moving" even in the long months between pregnancies. Isn't that funny?
Maybe she's a champeen sleeper. You can hope, anyway. A friend I haven't seen in a long while came by today to bring me Christmas cookies [sigh] and introduce me to her baby, who is now cutting his first teeth. She was telling me about a life-changing book she read about babies and how to help them sleep, and the author said that most behavioral problems in babies and small children can be addressed by seeing that they get enough sleep. That sounds hokey the way I just said it, but the way Amy described it sounded much more rational and hopeful. Now I can't even think of the book title. Oh, never mind!
As for the Avenging Angel, it's funny that you mention that because as I read your original post that was the part of me that responded. I thought, Yeah, I know how she feels. And then I thought, Wait, maybe that's presumptuous of me; I've not made it to this stage in the game, quite, so how can I know how she feels? But I guess it's all related. I do understand feeling fierce and terrible with love and protection. Thanks for validating this unmasked avenger. See? Mama Bears are sweet.
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