Milestones II

Braxton Hicks

When Heidi was pregnant with Sam, she introduced me to a whole vocabulary I'd never heard before. For the most part, I was either grossed out by the gooeyness of it ("stripping the membranes," "bloody show") or bugged by the male presence in it (Braxton Hicks, Kegels). The name of these practice contractions, at least, no longer strikes me as an obtrusive, obstetric male term. More like a endearing nickname for what happens when this mellonbelli grows a hard rind for a few seconds. Until Tracy asked, a couple months ago, if I'd had any BH contractions yet, I thought this girl had just gotten really good at poking out all her bony parts at once--elbows, knees, little bum and back--so that everything felt hard at once. But no, I'm not home to a Golden Dragon acrobat. I had just already started training for this event's final sprint.

Pain

Lower back; sciatic nerve in my right cheek; whatever that crippling stabbing is that happens right where my leg connects to my body, when I go hiking with the dog . . . do I sound like an old lady yet? 'Nuf said.

Tears

When did everything in the world become so freaking touching? Whereas T1 was marked by tears of selfpity, misery, and confusion, T3's downpours occur when I'm reading, listening to the radio, or occasionally, just thinking about dear loved ones. Who knew NPR was so tender? (Maybe this Sports Illustrated columnist will make you cry too. Fast Forward to minute 42:22 of the show.) But just so you know, neither Fug DaBreezio nor Dan Shore has ever elicited a tear from me, unless it was one of pain.

Birthplan

There's so much contradictory advice about this: DO make a birthplan so your rights and desires will be more likely to be followed in the mother-disregarding, human experience-alienating place called the L&D wing of a hospital; DON'T make a birthplan because you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you think you can dictate what your birth experience is going to be like--just have some goals and be open; DO read anything and everything about what can and may happen in your hospital during birth; DON'T waste your time reading everything--it will interfere with your pure experience.

Hmm. So, I've chosen the DO routes, keeping the DONT's in mind. My biggest three desires: 1) as little intervention as possible. 2) do all the baby's exams etc. right there while I hold the baby. 3) I want to get to check out the placenta and see what it's like. What I secretly want, but have been too shy to ask, is to bring it home and plant a crab apple tree over it that will bloom every year for Scout's birthday.

Ear Stuffiness

ARHH! Hand me that coat hanger.

Stress Incontinence

My sister-in-law Brooke is a petite woman with four children under three years of age (the first two are twins). (Aside: She has a funny pregnancy t-shirt that says Birth control is for wimps. ) Anyway, one time Andy asked her if she ever wets her pants. "Let's just put it this way," she said, "I change my panties alot." At some point, it has just become reflex to cross my legs and bed over when I sneeze or cough. Ah, maternity may be beautiful but it ain't real dignified.

Weight Gain

Not because I'm stressed about it, but more because I think it's amazing: last week I gained four (4) pounds! And it's not like I'm holding water anywhere--my rings still slide up and down my finger. That takes effort! No wonder I'm tired.